Ways to Recognize Spiritual Abuse & High Control Groups

Between the ages of 17 and 30yrs old, I was in a disruptive, coercive, high control group. What started out as a well meaning journey to find purpose in life and contribute to society in meaningful ways through the demonstration of my faith, soon became a toxic, debilitating, life-altering, and isolating MESS! I could have never predicted that I would find myself completely lost, bound in a cult, confused and devastated by what took place in such an insidious and all encompassing way. It has taken the subsequent 25 years to get to the place where I can begin to write about it in this post.

The question I have asked myself over and over again, “How did I not know this was a cult”? As time has passed I have also asked myself, “What can I do with what I experienced in this cult?” In Robert Jay Lifton’s words and from the dedication of Janja Lalich’s book, Take Back Your Life, “With greater knowledge about (cults), people are less susceptible to deception”. And so, I write this blog in conjunction with the many others that educate and share their personal experience and insight.

What is a cult?

Using the word cult makes people uncomfortable. To be honest, it took me some time to be able to audibly use the term “cult” when I was speaking to others about my experience. Even though I felt emphatically that the religious group I was involved in was a cult, other people would put up a barrier to conversations when I used that term. For those who need a more palatable way to hear about cults, the term “high control group” can also be used.

When people think of cults it usually conjures up outrageous, bizarre behaviours, with people flailing around in hippy type clothing, living in large communes. Although this could be an accurate picture of a cult, it is not always the case. As I’ve learned over time, a cult can encompass a wide array of topic matters from religion (most people instantly think of this), spirituality, wellness, politics, philosophy, education, to just about anything. It’s not so much the topic of cult, but more so, the harmful system in which a cult operates. Having said that, the ideology that one adheres to in a cult is just as damaging as the way the system of the ideology operates. I view this as two separate things deeply enmeshed in one another. The reason I say this is because I have seen and experienced people who left the “brick and mortar” cult I was in, but never left the ideology.

There are some basic traits all cults share. As Janja Lalich writes (adopted from scholars and policymakers) in her book, Take Back Your Life : “A cult is a group or movement exhibiting great or excessive devotion or dedication to some person, idea, or thing, and employing unethical manipulative or coercive techniques of persuasion and control (e.g. isolation from former friends and family, debilitation, use of special methods to heighten suggestibility and subservience, powerful group pressures, information management, suspension of individuality or critical judgements, promotion of total dependency on the group and fear of leaving it), designed to advance the goals of the group’s leaders, to the actual or possible detriment of members, their families, or the community.”

Cults, or a high control group is such a huge topic to cover, and it’s my intent over the next few posts to touch on the subject in a way that is both personal and educational. Over time, I hope to expand on the resources I’ve found helpful in order to share with anyone who also wants to explore and understand their own experiences.

3 Characteristics to Distinquish Cults

The following resinates so deeply with my own experience and is the result of years of research and observation by Dr. Janja Lalich. I am so grateful for stumbling upon her work. She is invaluable to the deconstruction and dispelling of myths about cults or high control groups!

1. Members are expected to be excessively zealous and unquestioning in their commitment to the identity and leadership of the group. They must replace their own beliefs and values with those of the group.
2. Members are manipulated and exploited, and may give up their education, careers, and families to work excessively long hours at group-directed tasks, such as selling a quota of candy or books, fund-raising, recruiting, and proselytizing.
3. Harm or the threat of harm may come to members, their families, and/or society due to inadequate medical care, poor nutrition, psychological and physical abuse, sleep deprivation, criminal activities, and so forth.

In a general sense, all of these 3 characteristics were apparent in my situation. I was involved in a so-called Christian Fundamentalist Church, a high control group that adhered to, and operated in multiple ways associated with these characteristics (and many more).

Comparing My Experience

I was introduced to this group around the age of 17 years. Old enough to have established some sense of self, yet young enough to still be grappling with my own values and belief system. Shortly thereafter, I met my partner who eventually became my husband. He was not from the group but had been raised in a Christian home and was very involved in church throughout his entire life. He began attending the group. By this time I was about 19yrs old and was struggling with so much of the ideology and the system of operations within the group (spiritual, psychological, physical). I knew this was not for me. My husband, on the other hand, was just catching up to the last 3 years that I had been there. As I was on my way out, he was on his way in. This was a predicament that became very difficult to navigate as(eventually, by age 20) we were a newly married couple.

1. I began to “question my commitment to the identity and leadership of the group”. I was not on board with “replacing (my own) beliefs and values with those of the group”. This was the first sign of things going very badly. As I began to challenge the leader and voice my own beliefs, the leadership began to counter with pat answers causing division between my(now) husband and I. They saw him (as he was) as a viable member with many skills who could be a major benefit to achieving their goals. They took extra measures to entice and coerce him with little regard for our partnership or agreement as a couple.
2. The manipulation(of myself) and exploitation (of my husband’s skills) intensified over the next many months. Trying to settle as newlyweds, was usurped by the constant pressure to give more of our time, more of our unquestioning commitment, volunteerism, with excessively long hours at group directed tasks and meetings. The division in our marriage was firmly rooted now(within the first 6months), and we were struggling to keep perspective the more we were immersed inside the four walls of the group and their expectations. Then came the linchpin. They asked my husband to quit his job to go on staff at the church. At the time I was wanting to go back to University to complete my education. When I expressed my goals and voiced my concerns about my husband leaving his job, I was promptly told to give up my education and that my husband was “called” to serve. They offered that they could give me the education I needed to serve as a “helpmate” so my husband could fulfill his “calling”. This is not what I wanted to do. I repeat this is not what I wanted to do, because so many of the members in this group would have no idea this was going on behind the scene. The leadership presented this as “God’s call” on us and our covenant commitment to the church. They manipulated the truth to the members and ignored the fact that I said “no” and pressured me with shame, guilt and coercion, even threats that persuaded me I would be turning my back on God.
3. The harm and threat of harm that followed, to myself, our marriage, my family and my children, through psychological abuse, spiritual abuse, excessive workaholism, with little financial compensation was enormous. You may have guessed by now….he resigned and took the new job.

The next 7 years was a tornado of ups and downs that affected every part of our lives.

“The ability to fend off persuaders is reduced when one is rushed, stressed, uncertain, lonely, indifferent, uninformed, distracted, or fatigued…Also affecting vulnerability are the status and power of the persuader.”, as Janja Lalich writes.

I felt all of these things in the process of making such a life altering decision. My voice was loud but no one would hear it. The charismatic power of the leader, ultimately, was the linchpin in securing my husband’s covenant commitment to what, for him, was a genuine desire to live out his Christian beliefs. Little did he know how destructive and controlling this decision would end up being. I wish I had the language at the time to explain what I was feeling and what was actually happening. Over the years, deconstructing abusive power through education, counselling and my own research has been the tool that has reconstructed my life and reclaimed a healthy perspective. It’s taken 35 years to get to this place and I can guarantee it will continue.

There are thousands of people who have experienced the destructive harm of cults or a high control group. Some are disguised as christian churches and many are comprised of other ideologies. Regardless, the results are the same.

I would be remiss if I didn’t end this post with saying, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are NOT CRAZY! There are resources and support for recovery after leaving a cult. And there is HOPE that you can enjoy a full, free and happy life!