Abuse is an epidemic! Experts, facts and research are exposing the systemic harm that results from the often hidden, covert tactics used by abusers. Come along with me and connect in a safe community, to deconstruct and define the life-changing effects and tactics of abuse.
Let’s begin by uncovering what abuse is by naming and giving language to what you may be experiencing right now. Living with fear, anxiety and shame can keep you stuck in a cycle of abuse. Being able to recognize and name what is actually happening to you, can give you clarity and affirmation that you are not CRAZY! There is HOPE and there are many people who have experienced similar things that you have experienced. You are not ALONE!
The information in this post is a combination of my own thoughts and experiences, as well as expert contributions from several resources that have given me language and understanding about systems of control and abuse. It can be frightening and overwhelming to think about overcoming the effects of abuse in your life. I’d like to reassure you that with support and education, together we can not only survive, but thrive after abuse!
The 5 Pillars of Abuse
(These definitions are used directly from The MEND Project resources of Annette Oltmans)
- Entitlement: Expectation of preferential treatment, double standards or rewards regardless of merit, or others needs or well-being.
- Faulty Belief System: Moralistic judgments based on limited knowledge, family system or social bias causing oppression of others.
- Image Management: Efforts to protect one’s own image to uphold social status and norms, including undermining others to accomplish this goal.
- Low Emotional IQ: Limited awareness of one’s own emotions and disinterest in others’ emotions, resulting in controlling behaviour, lack of empathy, and defensiveness.
- Preferential Treatment (Cultural, Prejudicial or Hierarchical):When one expects, or others provide, preferential treatment to the culpable because of their shared societal viewpoints, status, proximity to one’s social circle, and/or leadership or power within a group or institutional setting.
One of the most difficult things I found in gaining perspective throughout my journey, was finding a way to express and understand what I was feeling. In other words, finding language to explain what was happening and affirm the reality of my situation- that I was not crazy! Having language and research-backed definitions of abuse tactics not only helps you to understand that what is happening is wrong and harmful, but also gives you the ability to recognize and stop the cycle of abuse. It gives you the power and know-how to be able to create boundaries and take back control and agency over your life.
My mental health without language
During my most stressful and hopeless times, my brain worked like a continuous loop telling me I was overreacting, being too demanding, over-sensitive, devaluing myself all while chipping away my self-esteem and self-worth. Below are some of the thoughts I struggled with.
- I am too emotional.
- I don’t matter.
- I don’t have as much experience or education so I don’t have a true perspective.
- I am too demanding, expecting too much.
- I just need to try harder or do better.
- If I can just explain how I feel one more time, then things will change.
- I guess what I’m asking for isn’t really that important.
- My situation isn’t as bad as other people’s situation.
- I must be blowing this out of proportion.
- It must be my fault.
- I am crazy, confused, losing my mind.
- I must not be remembering things correctly or accurately.
- I am not a good Christian. I need to ask God for more strength.
- They didn’t mean to hurt me, lie or withhold information, they’re just busy or overwhelmed at work.
- They don’t understand what I’m saying so I must be confused or exaggerating.
- They had an explanation for why they did or said something harmful. I must be overreacting.
- They said they would change. They just forgot and slipped up again.
- Being the “lesser partner” is normal because I am female.
- I must have done something wrong because they are avoiding me.
- There must be something wrong with me. Why can’t we communicate and why don’t they understand what I’m repeatedly saying or asking for?
- I am not able to make decisions for myself. I have to ask permission to go somewhere or spend money.
- There is no room for ME in the life I am living.
- I should be grateful for the life they have provided.
- I don’t feel like I have any agency in my own life from small decisions to big decisions.
- Because they are the primary bread-winner, I don’t get to have input in how we live life or what decisions we make.
These thoughts only scratch the surface of what I have experienced through several different circumstances of abuse, power and control. Perhaps you can relate to feeling some of these things also?
Understanding Abuse through language and definitions
Finding educational resources from legitimate experts who support abuse survivors, is fundamental in beginning to understand that what you are feeling is common. There is not something wrong with you! What is wrong is what is being done to you! What you are experiencing is a complex set of tactics and behaviour that is devaluing, demeaning and leaves you feeling stuck, humiliated and hopeless. Here is an introduction to some of the key definitions and language that helped me realize that what I was experiencing was not my fault and was wrong.
- Minimization: To belittle the victim’s perspective by intentionally devaluing what’s important to them, thereby killing their confidence, creativity and individuality.
- Blame-Shifting: The abuser habitually places the full responsibility of a problem onto the victim by manipulating the truth.
- Withholding: Refusing to communicate, listen, or rejoice in one’s good fortune as a form of punishment. One of the most toxic forms of abuse.
- Refusal To Take Responsibility: To negate or greatly reduce responsibility for one’s actions and avoid the hard work required for change.
- Undermining: Criticizing or squelching joy, effort, creativity, or ideas that could bring positive attention to the victim.
- Scapegoating: Creating scenarios where facts are mischaracterized to confuse others. This causes the victim to be viewed as guilty and forced to bear the responsibility for the problem.
- Gaslighting: The abuser repeatedly alters or denies a shared reality to make the victim question their sanity, perceptions, memories, or experiences.
- Denial: A fundamental refusal to accept personal responsibility by living in a false reality.
- Dismissing: To diminish the victim’s value and all they hold dear.
- Power-play / Power Over: Using any means necessary to power over the victim and make them feel unimportant, impotent and less deserving.
- Reductionism: To strip the victim’s ideas, expressions, or actions of value and minimize the abuser’s culpability.
- Weaponized Joking: Saying mean things at the other person’s expense and using blame-shifting to deflect.
- Grandiosity: Inflating one’s own value to diminish the other’s.
- Entitlement: Unrealistic demands that one is more deserving of preferential treatment or double standards.
- Sanitization: To avoid personal responsibility, the abuser tries to normalize their abuse and convince the victim or others that their behaviour is harmless.
- All or Nothing: Using black-and-white thinking to wrongly judge the victim or divert focus from the abuser’s destructive behaviour.
- Lying: To confuse the victim or shift blame, the abuser alters or withhold the truth with blatant disregard.
- Catastrophizing: Creating fear and negative dependence in the victim by blowing things out of proportion.
- Rationalization: To justify destructive behaviours or attitudes with seemingly logical reasons or excuses.
I have experienced one or all of these, in one form or another through abusive relationships and during my time in a spiritual cult. I hope you are able to find comfort and clarity through naming, and finding language for what you may be feeling or experiencing. I really do believe that once we understand what is actually happening to us, we can begin to intercept the patterns of abuse, begin to heal, and give place to our own self worth and value. You deserve to be heard, valued, respected and have agency over your own life!
Deconstructing Abusive Power 